What's In A Song?

I am so glad I am not a DJ.

I pride myself on my taste in music, varied and eclectic as they are, but there are some tunes that make my ears bleed, make me want to stick the cake fork into my eye, and make me want to kick anyone in the crotch for even considering such a request.

But I'm not.

And in this day of One Direction, Justin Bieber, Azalea, Tom, Dick and Harry, or whoever these poor excuses for artists are, I'm OK with allowing someone else to take the pain.

So, as we head into the wedding season, and as my diary starts to takes on the appearance of a cheap hotel's ledger after the office Christmas Party, what are those songs that insult the aural senses from kids to grandparents, and neighbourhood dogs?

According to NZBride.co.nz following are the Top 10 'Wedding Dance' tunes for 2013 plus some other notable rankers (and some of them are downright rank!);

1. AC-DC - 'You Shook Me All Night Long'. As an AC-DC fan this is somewhat pleasing, but one cannot help but think that teenage pregnancies in West Auckland were at an all time high last year.

2. Bon Jovi - 'Livin' On A Prayer'. OK, so a hint of the above, however lyrically one might think this was an anti-Labor party tune.

3. The Exponents - "Why Does Love Do This To Me'. There is some irony in this as Jordan Luck could possibly go unnoticed at a wedding reception as the vino flowed.

4. Van Morrison - 'Brown-Eyed Girl'. One can assume many a bride had brown eyes?

5. B52s - 'Love Shack'. Right. Lets refer back to those cheap hotels, you big spender you.

6. Michael Jackson - 'Billie Jean'. The Gloved One' comes into the Top 10 with (disputably) his biggest hit. Seeing as the song hints at female stalkers, men, I would suggest the follow up tune (especially where the mother-in-law is involved) as 'Thriller'.

7. Rihanna - 'We Found Love'. One might be cynical enough to believe South Auckland also had a high rate of teenage pregnancies.

8. Robin Thicke - 'Blurred Lines'. Seriously people??? I mean, like any and every other red-blooded bloke I love the (original) video despite not being able to recite any lyrics, but as a wedding song? Well, if your bride twerks her way down the aisle, she's a keeper. But then again, so is an STD.

9. Maroon 5 - 'Moves Like Jagger'. Now I'm confused. Other than Aguilera's melodious tones, I don't see the relation about your special day and a well-past use-by-date rocker?

10. Black Eyed Peas - 'I Got A Feeling'.So do I, but I bet my feeling isn't the same as yours...

The 'Also-Rans'...

11. The Beatles - 'Twist & Shout'. Now you're talking. Those at the head table, just shake your jewellery.

14. Kool & The Gang - 'Celebration'. It isn't a wedding unless there's some corny disco tune to make older men look like idiots.

21. The Village People - 'YMCA'. It'd be fair to say there are no unwanted pregnancies in the clique part of Ponsonby.

27. The Four Tops - 'I Can't Help Myself'. That'll be the Asti Spumante speaking.

31. The Proclaimers - 'I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)'. Start running now mate, She looks good now, but wait until the morning.

33. Weather Girls - 'It's Raining Men'. It has been a huge year in Ponsonby, hasn't it?

36. Frank Sinatra - 'New York, New York'. It pays to dream when your wedding party is being held in the Huntly RSA.

38. Psy - 'Gangnam Style'. Well now I've seen it all. An Asian with bad style sense, dancing badly, and singing indecipherable lyrics. Best played sometime between final drinks and 3am, whichever comes first.

People, please, please, please, for the sake of humanity, the first song that pops into your head might well be the single biggest mistake you make.

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Keith Eleftheriou

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