What's In A Date...part deux.


As I read back over my previous post of the same name (albeit in name only) I am forced to choke back an embarrassed tittle at my past self.

I could do more than one wedding in a day? To my former self; what the fuck were you thinking? Even if I wanted to, what would be the point? I understand there are many Celebrants who do more than one ceremony in a day, but as I am a bordering alcoholic, doing more than one a day with my standard fee of pre-nuptial 'refreshments' would entail a lot of walking.

Besides, there is this deep-seated desire, nay paranoid insistence that their wedding be at the hight of summer, with Brides dressed in full-length multi-layered dresses and makeup caked on like polyfiller, while their boys are in double-breasted suits (dark, dark colours of course) and ties (and likely suffering a hangover)...and then there are the guests.

Does it HAVE to be this way?

Probably. The weather is more predictable - it is either stinking bloody hot or blowing a Nor'Wester dryer than an 80 year-old whore who left her lube behind - which is just about as important as it gets when it comes to your Big Day Out.

And when it's hot, what do I do...I mean, wedding party and guests alike do? Drink. Drink. And drink some more.

Hang on, that's not actually a bad thing. But when the Groom collapses on the hotel floor that night, while the Bride is hanging over the porcelain making sounds similar to how my last name is pronounced, and the bar tab is closing in on the Lithuanian deficit, then it could be cause for thought.

My wife and I got married at 11. Late enough to be able to load up on Coca Cola and Big Ben Pies (and other hangover cures) yet early enough to have milder climes, light breezes, great lighting for photos (no long shadows or sun glare)and also to have a fully-catered BBQ lunch and sunlight hours to enjoy the company, and still plenty of hours to enjoy the evening (midnight seemed so much further into the distance).

But then again, why Summer?

Sure the weather is about as predictable as a Trump speech, but one should always have a contingency plan for poor weather. Besides, you ever seen wedding photos in the rain? And nowhere has sunny Winter days like Canterbury.

But my ramblings had no design to say you're wrong. Although, when I 'm sweating so hard I have to empty my shoes at the end of the service, I do mutter a couple of expletives. Then you pass me another beer, and your digressions are quickly forgotten.

I am just saying there are alternatives. The amount of weddings I have had to turn down, venues not available, caterers busy, and musicians booked because everyone else had the same completely different ideas as you; the cricket games I have been unable to play the last few seasons; lost weekends at the beach with my kids. And the strain I put my poor liver under.

But how about you?

Summer is 'peak' wedding real estate, prime time pricing. Did you know close to 50% of all weddings in NZ are during the first three months of the year? Correspondingly, only 1 in 10 are in the months of June-August. And yet NZ is world-famous for being a winter wonderland, couples come from around the world to be married here then, and yet the locals sun the opportunity? Venues, catering, DJs, maybe even Celebrants (except me, I'm way too cheap already) could/would/should be open to cheaper pricing if they could get income otherwise not on the table through the 'graveyard shift'. And you could cut back on that $20K debt you laid out to impress people who didn't deserve to be impressed. And that might finally get you into that house you've been checking out.

Maybe. (The Fair Trading Act doesn't apply for the statements mentioned above - I checked).

For the sake of a few sweaty crotches, and sunstroke. Stained armpits and blocked pores. Even being able to hide away those last few pounds you couldn't be rid of. Not that anyone would have said anything. They wouldn't fucken dare.

Think about it.

Be an individual. Like everyone else.

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Keith Eleftheriou

Voted Sexiest Celebrant Named "Keith"*

*margin of error +/- 100%

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